Earlier this summer, I went on the first leg of a book tour for my new novel, boring boring boring boring boring boring boring. I thought that going by myself might be boring, so I invited my friends Sam and Dan to come along with me. They are hardened road vets, and I figured they would help me get along. The last time we were together was to tour Sam’s band through Japan. The West Coast was not nearly as exotic, but good times were had. Below are random events, tour notes, and audience reviews. I learned that if you do it right, a book tour can be a lot more like a vacation. With an occasional audience. San Francisco and Berkeley San Francisco has lots of hills. We did some walking around. I introduced myself to Dan’s deaf roommate by shouting from another room, which didn’t really work. Dan, Patrick and I got very drunk and harassed a bartendress about how much money she would accept to cut off various limbs. All our asking prices were much lower than hers. We made a drunk mess on her bar. She later came to the reading, much to our surprise. My ex-girlfriend came to the reading. Also surprising. I asked if she wanted a copy of the book. She asked if I wanted her to want a copy of the book. This struck me as a very ex-girlfriend-ish thing to say. She didn’t take one. Berkeley is political. We saw people chained to trees. The bookstore audience asked me very astute questions. I didn’t know any of them. Or any of the answers. There were cookies and apple juice as refreshment. They gift readers one book from the store, per reading, which is mighty nice. I picked something expensive. We ate a hotdog, and drove back to pick Sam up form the airport. He was very disheveled, having just spent a dramatic night with his current entanglement. He wasn’t even able to talk about it for another day. The Drive The California forests are filled with smoke. We thought it only took nine hours to drive from San Francisco to Eugene via the scenic route, along the coast. We were wrong. We ate fast food. We saw redwoods. In the cities I’m used to, everyone wants you to leave them alone. On the West Coast, everyone has a suggestion for you. When we stopped at a beach, a man “suggested” that we “turn this engine off!,” even though we were only getting something from the trunk. We talked about feelings in the car. Feelings about girls. Sam can’t detach himself from a girl who is clearly trouble. Dan had become very annoyed with his girlfriend, and wanted to break up. My girlfriend is in India, and I just miss her. We all got very tired of driving. We thought it would be funny if we were on a murder tour, instead of a book tour. I almost hit a skunk, but swerved at the last minute to miss it. Sam and Dan were impressed. At 4:30am, Dan stopped at a casino and put $100 dollars on one spin of roulette. He bet on black and won. We walked out of there with $200 dollars. The whole thing took about 4 minutes. The drive took 16 hours. Eugene Eugene has lots of trees. We stayed with my friend Jeremy. He might write a book about crazy Scientology schools. We slept all day. We played tennis. I was very bad, though I tried to cover it up by shit talking. A woman with a parrot on her shoulder “suggested” we park our car elsewhere. The reading was in a café. The refrigerated cooler was very loud. I had a local beer, which is a big deal in Oregon. We ate at a restaurant afterwards. I had a salad, which I almost never do. We went to the dollar movies. We went to the hot springs, and got very high and naked in the middle of a river. The country in Oregon is pretty. I felt relaxed. Dan drove us back to Eugene at 90 miles an hour so we could see another dollar movie. We played basketball. I got blisters on my feet. Dan beat us all. Seattle Seattle has a Sub Pop records flag. We saw a sign that said “fight boring.” We heard Nirvana. The Stranger “suggested” the event. This was the first helpful suggestion of the tour. People came. And laughed, finally. Kevin and Jay also read. We begged the people who worked at the venue to take us into the basement so that we could confirm the rumor of a baby coffin. The guy behind the bar had seen it. He took us down there, but the room was boarded up. The rumor could not be confirmed. We stayed with Jay’s friend. The group of us ate an entire pizza while walking from the pizza joint to a house party. Everyone in Seattle has gorgeous old apartments with nice woodwork. (This observation based on two apartments) We slept on the floor. I woke up with Dan’s ass in my face. Portland Portland has a lot of hanging out. Dan tried to flirt with girls while going 70 on the freeway. He got their number. We showed up to the bar too early. The reading was called “Booty Call: A night of erotic stories.” My story was about masturbation, and not very erotic. I did grind with another book nerd on stage. In front of 100 people. Dan showed his ass to the crowd. My friend Jami read the best. Everybody laughed at her story. We got drunk with her and Lauren at a hotel bar. We missed stripperaoke (karaoke with a stripper) at another bar. Jami agreed to set Sam and Dan up with new girlfriends. We all talked very loudly. We got lost in Portland in the middle of the night. We slept at Jay’s. Sam’s bag was attacked by two awesome pugs. They ate the chapstick, but left the cash. In the morning Jay’s son Oscar complained about his bad back. Oscar is 3. It was funny. After a week of tour, we could all relate. by Zach Plague