by Sarah Galvin

Intermission

I have thought of a way to make people less afraid of the rats that infest the music venue where I work. We could have an intermission in which someone wearing a cute plush rat costume comes out on stage and dances. Then a banner will drop that says "Rats" in colorful paper letters. The real rats will appear to be merely part of a theme. Perhaps something similar can be done to alleviate other fears, like anal sex and abandonment. If you saw a big plush abandonment doing an adorable dance, wouldn't you feel better?

Design

I wonder when this umbrella will fall apart. Back in the sixties, umbrellas were built to last, with steel bumpers that vibrated with varying levels of intensity. I broke down a door with one. I dug my own grave with one of those umbrellas more times than I can remember, and it never even got scratched. These days any umbrella under five hundred dollars will burst into flames and give you hepatitis the moment you step out of the house.

Empowerment

We should drive around smashing mailboxes while our chauffer sits in the back of the Cadillac making puff paint T-shirts. It's important for the chauffer to know he can make his own T-shirts. It's important for us to know we can smash our own mailboxes. It's important when we discover that the Cadillac can drive itself, but it's scary when we find out it has a mind of its own and is slowly digesting us.